quotes
Season 1[]
- Cartman – “Weight Gain 4,000. It's helping me bulk up.”
- Kyle – “Bulk up to what? Fat ass?”
- — 1x02, 'Weight Gain 4,000'
- Kyle – “Whoa, Cartman, talk about wide load.”
- Cartman – “Yeah. I'm really starting to fill out nicely.”
- Kyle – “You're not filling out nicely! You're fatter than ever!”
- Cartman – “I'm not fat, I'm getting in shape!”
- Kyle – “Cartman, you're such a fat ass, that when you walk down the street people go: "Goddamnit, that's a big fat ass!"”
- Cartman – “No, they don't, you jealous weakling!”
- — 1x02, 'Weight Gain 4,000'
- Cartman – “This is sweet. Camera crews are setting up and I'm looking totally whipped. Beefcake!”
- Kyle – “I don't think they're gonna be able to get all of you in frame, Cartman.”
- — 1x02, 'Weight Gain 4,000'
- Mr. Garrinson – “I'm just so sorry that I ruined everyone's chances of getting on TV.”
- Kyle – “Not Cartman. He gets to be on TV anyways.”
- — 1x02, 'Weight Gain 4,000'
- Cartman – “You guys see me block that defense today? I was kicking ass!”
- Kyle – “You're gonna need to kick more ass than that to beat the cowboys.”
- — 1x04, 'Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride'
- Kyle – “Who cares if your dog is gay? Maybe it's not that bad.”
- Cartman – “No way dude. My mom says God hates gay people. That's why he "smoked" the sodomies in France.”
- — 1x04, 'Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride'
- Kyle – “Set! Set!”
- Cartman – “(farts)”
- Kyle – “Damn it, Cartman! (walks away) Cartman farted!”
- Cartman – “No, I didn't, that was just my shoes!”
- — 1x04, 'Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride'
- Cartman – “It's okay, Fluffy, I won't let them hurt you.”
- Kyle – “It's just a stupid pig.”
- Cartman – “[...] I'm taking my pig and screw you guys, I'm going home! This whole idea is stupid anyway!”
- Kyle – “What the hell would you know? You fat sweaty mongoloid. You never get highter than a "D"!”
- Cartman – “Why don't you go back to San Francisco with the rest of the jews!”
- Kyle – “There's no jews in San Francisco, you retard!”
- Cartman – “I'll kick you in the nuts!”
- — 1x05, 'An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig'
- Kyle – “We gotta go get Cartman's pig.”
- Cartman – “No, you don't "gotta get Cartman's pig"! You leave Fluffy out of this!”
- Kyle – “C'mon, Kenny.”
- Cartman – “Kyle, no! No elephant is gonna make love to my Fluffy. Kyle, I will kick you in the nuuuuuts!”
- — 1x05, 'An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig'
- Kyle – “Couple of days? But Terance is going to have his human clone by tomorrow.”
- Cartman – “Well, good job Einstein! Why don't we just build a rocket in the meantime?”
- Kyle – “(slaps him)”
- Cartman – “Ow!”
- — 1x05, 'An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig'
- Stan – “Mom and dad are home. My house is a disaster! Y-you guys gotta help me.”
- Cartman – “I ain't helping crap. I wanna eat some pie.”
- Stan – “You can't just leave me here alone!”
- Cartman – “Oh yeah? Watch me.”
- Kyle – “Yeah, Stan. We have to go find out if Cartman's pig is pregnant or not. See ya!”
- — 1x05, 'An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig'
- Cartman – “Hey, wait til you guys see my halloween costume tomorrow! It kicks ass!”
- Kyle – “Dude, it can't be cooler than mine.”
- — 1x07, 'Pinkeye'
- Kyle – “Cartman, what kind of costume is that?”
- Cartman – “It's Adolf Hitler costume. Sieg heil, sieg heil! (...) My mom made it. Isn't it cool?”
- Kyle – “No, it's not cool!”
- — 1x07, 'Pinkeye'
- Cartman – “Hey, jew, all of a sudden my costume is pretty bad ass, huh?”
- Kyle – “Dude, dressing up as Hitler is not bad ass.”
- Cartman – “You're just jealous! Why don't you go back to endor, you stupid wookie!”
- Kyle – “Wookies don't live on endor!”
- Cartman – “(mocking) Wookies don't live on endor!”
- Kyle – “Well at least my mom's not on the cover of "crack whore" magazine!”
- Cartman – “What?! What did you say?!”
- — 1x07, 'Pinkeye'
- Stan – “Doesn't look like she's having any trouble finding food.”
- Kyle – “Yeah! She's fatter than Cartman.”
- Cartman – “Yeah... Hey!”
- —1x08, 'Starvin' Marvin'
- Kyle – “I can't wait to get out of school and get our Teiko sports watch.”
- Cartman – “Yeah, but I get to wear it first, I said it.”
- — 1x08, 'Starvin' Marvin'
- Stan – “Wow. It sucks [Starvin Marvin] has to leave.”
- Kyle – “Yeah. I like him a lot more than Cartman.”
- — 1x08, 'Starvin' Marvin'
- Cartman – “Oh, good, Kyle's mom is here to ruin Christmas!”
- Kyle – “Shut up, fat boy!”
- Cartman – “I'm not fat, I'm festively plump.”
- — 1x09, 'Mr. Hankey, The Christmas Poo'
- Cartman – “Hey! What the hell are you doing? Jewish people can't eat Christmas snow!”
- Kyle – “We can too!”
- — 1x09, 'Mr. Hankey, The Christmas Poo'
- Cartman – “Yeah! We'll see you later, Kyle. There's no reason for you to come since you don't get Christmas presents.”
- Kyle – “No, but I get Hanukkah presents for eight days.”
- Cartman – “Too bad it's usually a dreidel or something lame like that!”
- Kyle – “ (...) Wait! I may not have Santa, but I do have Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo. (...) Mr. Hankey! He comes out of the toilet every year and gives present to everybody who has a lot of fiber in their diet.”
- Cartman – “Oh, Kyle, come on, seriously, you are really reaching right now.”
- Kyle – “Well, you're gonna be sorry when you see me riding on Santa's sleigh with Mr. Hankey, fat ass!”
- Cartman – “You're not gonna ride on Santa's sleigh because you're a jew, Kyle!”
- — 1x09, 'Mr. Hankey, The Christmas Poo'
- Cartman – “Oh, boy, superbitch is at it again.”
- Kyle – “Don't call my mom a bitch, Cartman!”
- — 1x09, 'Mr. Hankey, The Christmas Poo'
- Kyle – “(singing) Mr. Hankey, the Christmas poo! He loves me and I love you. Therefore vicariously he loves you-”
- Cartman – “(covers his mouth) Don't mind him. He's a very disturbed little boy.”
- — 1x09, 'Mr. Hankey, The Christmas Poo'
- Mr.Garrinson – “The new law states we can't sing any songs having to do with Jesus or Santa Claus”
- Cartman – “Yeah, thanks to Kyle's mother!”
- Kyle – “Shut up, Cartman!”
- —1x09, 'Mr. Hankey, The Christmas Poo'
- Kyle – “Hey, Jesus. If you win the fight, can you turn Kenny back to normal?”
- Jesus – “What the hell do you mean if I win the fight?”
- Cartman – “Don't mind him, Jesus. He's Jewish.”
- —1x10, 'Damien'
Season 2[]
- Chef – “What's the one thing that's more sacred to a man than anything else in the world?”
- Cartman – “Ham?”
- Kyle – “No, not ham, you fat fuck!”
- Cartman – “Screw you! It's ham, isn't it?”
- — 2x04, 'It's a Jersey Thing'
Season 5[]
- “Kyle, this is Cartman. He's my sorta friend-ish.”
- — Kyle explaining Cartman to cousin Kyle, 5x10 'The Entity'
Season 7[]
- Cartman – “Oh, no, no, no! Nobody's putting their finger in my ass again. Unless it's Kyle.”
- Kyle – “What?! No way. You do it, Kenny!”
- Cartman – “No, it has to be Kyle.”
- Stan – “Go on.”
- — 7x01 'Canceled'
Season 14[]
- “You saved my life, Kyle. Deep down inside you're a monster. (pinches his cheek) But you're my little monster!”
- — Cartman to Kyle, 14x09 'It's a Jersey Thing'
Season 16[]
- “Kyle, I love you babe. You can run all you want, try to pretend you like girls, but damn it, when we kiss there is magic! Don't let it go, Kyle. I want to hold you every morning and love you every night, Kyle. I promise you nothing but love and happiness. (singing) I sweeear, by the moon and the stars in the sky, I'll be there, Kyle. I sweeaaar, like the shadow that's by your side, Kyle, I swear to God I'll be there. For better or worse till death do us part. I'll love you with every gay beat of my heart. I swear, Kyle.”
- — 16x07 'Cartman Finds Love'
South Park: Fractured but Whole[]
- Cartman – “Oh, right. So does that mean your dad fucked your mom, Kyle?! Huh?!”
- Kyle – “YOU'RE SO FUCKING STUPID! EVERY HUMAN ALIVE. HAD A DAD WHO FUCKED THEIR MOM AND-”
- Clyde – “STOP! STOP! This is NOT WHAT'S IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW! We need to find the lady with the dick tatto.”
- Kyle – “(leaving) He's such a fucking idiot!”
- “Ugh, it's always fucking Cartman.”
- — Kyle complaining to the new kid after Mitch Connor, Cartman's 'alter ego', kidnapped their parents
- “Sorry Cartman kidnapped your parents. He's such a fucking dick sometimes.”
- — Kyle complaining to the new kid after Mitch Connor, Cartman's 'alter ego', kidnapped their parents
- Cartman – “Nice blowjob, Kyle!”
- Kyle – “Remind to let you get K.O.-ed next time, asshole.”
- — Dialogue after Kyle uses his 'Jetstream' ability to heal Cartman